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Joke of the day thread...
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Offline RCRed  
#1 Posted : Tuesday, June 25, 2013 1:30:00 AM(UTC)
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Let's light this candle...

Quote:

A couple sat on the front porch one summer evening after dinner talking...



The husband says "Honey, you know you been gettin a bit bigger these days...." His wife immediately became indignant and sat there and
stewed.... UserPostedImage


"As a matter of fact, I think your butt is almost, no, I say it's as wide as that barbeque grill over there"

Still she sat and steamed, said not a word, getting more annoyed by the second.. UserPostedImage


"No, babe, I thinks, that your butt is a coupla inches WIDER than the BBQ grill" the husband said.

That was it, she stood up, stormed into the house, and went to bed, without saying a word. UserPostedImage

Later, the husband came to bed, and started getting frisky with his wyfe. He told her "Hon, I really think I'd to get me some of dat
'tasti-muff' you got there".. She turned over and replied "I KNOW you dont want me to fire up this BIG ASS grill for that small ass breakfast
sausage" UserPostedImage
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Offline RCRed  
#2 Posted : Tuesday, June 25, 2013 1:43:48 AM(UTC)
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And from Texas...

Quote:

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was
waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt. As the bus stopped and
it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight
to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached
behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her
enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So,
a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her
skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once
again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a
little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up
easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How
dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with
you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was
friends."
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Offline scotty  
#3 Posted : Tuesday, June 25, 2013 4:36:35 AM(UTC)
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ill try to keep this going
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Offline RCRed  
#4 Posted : Tuesday, June 25, 2013 4:42:01 AM(UTC)
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Heya Scotty.. Thas cool..

I was hoping others had some to toss in here...I got ten years worth, but I'll post them over time ;D
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Offline scotty  
#5 Posted : Tuesday, June 25, 2013 5:49:17 AM(UTC)
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good idea-- I can joke and brew at the same time lol
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Offline RCRed  
#6 Posted : Wednesday, June 26, 2013 2:27:12 PM(UTC)
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...... From the 2007 era archive...

Quote:

On a recent flight to Cleveland, a stylish attractive blonde boarded and took a seat in first class. Seeing this the stewardess went over to the lady and asked if she wanted a drink and to verify her ticket.
The stewardess saw that the lady had a coach ticket, so she asked the lady to please move back to the coach section and take her assigned seat.

The blonde answered "No, I am a beautiful lady, and I do believe I am entited to this seat, no matter what my ticket says". The stewardess persists, and the head stewardess comes over to try and help, but they get nowhere with the lady.

She just keeps insisting that her beauty justifies the seating.

The captain of the flight was walking down the asile, and noticed the rukus, and asked the head stewardess to step away and explain to him what was happening. Upon hearing the story, he walked over, leaned down, whispered something to the blonde who looked up in horror, and JUMPED up and ran back to her assigned seat in Coach.

The stewardess were astonished, and the head stewardess asked the captain how he did that. He replied "I told her that First Class doesn't go to Cleveland" UserPostedImage
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Offline scotty  
#7 Posted : Wednesday, June 26, 2013 10:47:26 PM(UTC)
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oye lol lol ----------------
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Offline RCRed  
#8 Posted : Friday, June 28, 2013 3:05:25 AM(UTC)
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Todays....From 2006...

Quote:

A family is sitting around the supper table and the son asks if he can ask a personal question? The father said, "Ask away."

The young man asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Can I ask a personal question? Mom, how many kind of penises are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles, and looks at her husband and answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, his penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree"

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes," said the mother, "all dried up and the balls are there for decoration only."
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Offline scotty  
#9 Posted : Friday, June 28, 2013 4:36:00 AM(UTC)
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revenge---------------------------------------------------
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Offline Gravelier  
#10 Posted : Friday, June 28, 2013 10:45:44 AM(UTC)
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A man walking on the beach, finds a crusty old bottle. For no reason, he picks it up and tries to clean it a little.

The rubbing causes a Jeannie to appear. The Jeannie says "oh master, what is your wish"

What the guy replies, What,only one wish.

The Jeannie says, Hey, things are tough.

So the guy says, I'm afraid to fly, so build me a road to Hawaii.

Wow, the Jeannie says, that pretty steep. How about something a little simpler.

So, the guys say, I have always wanted to understand women. Why they do what they do. Why they think the way they do. What takes so long to get ready to go out. You know, understand women.

So, the Jeannie thinks for a minute and then says, You want 2 lanes or 4?
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Offline RCRed  
#11 Posted : Friday, June 28, 2013 12:49:49 PM(UTC)
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You"ve come to the annoying realization that your parents were right about almost everything.

The bag boy volunteers to help load groceries into your car"”in the "ten items or less" lane.

You"ve stopped supporting your children, and started supporting your parents.

You"ve found yourself discussing rain gutters.

You remember your kid"s names, just not always the right one.

You have nightmares about forgetting to move the garbage cans to the street for the garbage collector.

Your high school yearbook is now home to three different species of mold.

You buy "age-defying" makeup and "antiwrinkle" creams and believe they work.

You"ve realized that all those geeky people in Bermuda shorts walking around Disney World include you.

You recognize Led Zeppelin songs that have been turned into elevator Muzak.

As a public service, you have agreed to never appear on the beach in a Speedo again.

You"ve had three opportunities to buy every single Disney Animated Classic"”"for the last time in a generation"

You"d pay good money to be strip-searched.

Wal-Mart and target seem to share your fashion sense.

The only way you know to stop a virtual pet from beeping involves the patio and a sledgehammer.

You can pack two suits, Five shirts, five ties, five pairs of underwear, five pairs of socks, a pair of shoes, and half of your bathroom into a carry-on bag"”in less than five minutes.

You know what Earth Shoes are.

You think if you hear "Stairway to Heaven" one more time your head will explode.

Your weight-lifting program seems to have no effect on your muscles, but the veins on the backs of your hands are bulking up quite nicely.

On Saturday night, when your wife mentions "hot oil, a little friction, and squealing," you tell her you"ll have the car looked at first thing Monday morning.
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Offline muadib2001  
#12 Posted : Friday, June 28, 2013 1:17:53 PM(UTC)
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A young blonde woman is asked out on a date and accepts. The boy picks her up and they go to a nearby carnival in town. They ride a few rides, play a few games, and seem to be generally hitting it off well. During a sort of romantic lull, however, the boy says, "What do you want to do now?"

"I want a weigh," she says.

Well, OK, thinks the boy. They walk over to the fortune scales, and weigh her. They play a few more games and stop for foods. "What do you want to do now?" asks the boy again.

"I want a weigh," she says.

Hmmm, a little odd but I'll put up with it, thinks the boy. Again they get her weight and fortune. After yet another few games and an exquisite fireworks show, the boy repeats, "What do you want to do now?"

"I want a weigh," she says.

Damn, thinks the boy, she's just too weird for me. They get her weight and fortune, and the boy drives her home. As she walks into the house, her sister asks, "How'd your date go?"

"Wousy," says the girl.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This guy goes into a bar. He tells the bartender he wants some 18-year-old Scotch. The bartender thinks to himself "This guy's full of shit" and promptly serves him seven-year-old Scotch.

The fellow takes a sip and tells the bartender, "I don't want seven-year-old scotch, bring me some 18-year-old scotch!" The bartender figures he made a lucky guess and thinks he can't do it again, so he serves him 12-year-old Scotch.

The fellow takes a sip and tells the bartender, "I don't want 12-year-old scotch, I said bring me some 18-year-old Scotch!!" The embarassed bartender apologizes and brings the fellow his best 18-year-old Scotch.

A very drunk man at the end of the bar, having witnessed the event, staggers over and sets a full shot glass down and says, "Here, try thish."

The fellow takes a sip, makes an awful face and spits it out saying "That's piss!"

The drunk turns and says, "That's right. How old am I?"
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Offline muadib2001  
#13 Posted : Friday, June 28, 2013 3:26:32 PM(UTC)
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Critical Thinking At Its Best!

Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about 3
Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip.
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose.
Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400. Correct?
Man: Correct
Woman: If i 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man: Correct
Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No
Man: Where's your Ferrari?
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Offline scotty  
#14 Posted : Saturday, June 29, 2013 12:42:56 AM(UTC)
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Men are all the same lol lol
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Offline RCRed  
#15 Posted : Sunday, June 30, 2013 11:06:43 PM(UTC)
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Sorry - Got bit by a age snake, hand's been in a wrap for a few days...

Quote:

In a city park stood two beautiful statues, one female and the other male both nude. These two statues faced each other for many, many years(naked,remember!).

Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, "The two of you have been truly exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people that have visited the park over the years. I am hereby authorised by God to give you the greatest wish that can be bestowed on you. I grant you the gift of life - albeit as a limited offer. You have 30 minutes to do whatever your hearts desire." And with that command, the two statues came to life.

They smiled at each other, slowly moved their limbs about in wonderment,looked all around and then at their own bodies and finally back at each other.Still smiling they then ran to the nearby woods and dived behind a large bush. The angel smiled to herself as she listened to the giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. Even angels knew of such things!

After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from thebushes,looking extremely satisfied and wearing nothing but even bigger smiles than before. Puzzled, the angel looked at her watch and said to them, "You still have fifteen minutes. Wouldn't you like to continue?"

The male statue looked at the female and asked, "do you want to do it again?"

"OH, YES!", the female statue replied. "But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'll sh*t on it's head!"
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Offline scotty  
#16 Posted : Monday, July 01, 2013 1:17:33 AM(UTC)
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that one gets an award lol
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Offline RCRed  
#17 Posted : Monday, July 01, 2013 11:45:12 PM(UTC)
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Quote:


A lawyer parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a semi-trailer comes flying along too close to the curb and takes off the door before speeding off.

Distraught, the lawyer grabs his mobile and calls the cops.

Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the cop has a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer starts screaming hysterically:

"My Porsche, My beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!"

After the lawyer finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. "I can't believe how materialistic you bloody lawyers are,"he says. "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life."

"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" snaps the lawyer. The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your left arm was torn off when the truck hit you."

The lawyer looks down in absolute horror. "F!!!!!! hell!" he screams.


"Where's my Rolex?"


And one lawyer joke ain' good w/o another so...

Quote:


An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer,"So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake, he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way." I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
See, I pretty much think attorney's are the scum of the earth, never met one I didn't want to compost.
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Offline Gravelier  
#18 Posted : Tuesday, July 02, 2013 5:51:23 AM(UTC)
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Aww, come on, some attorneys are ok.

But anyway, do you know why they bury attorneys at least six feet under?

Everyone knows that really deep down, they are good people
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Offline RCRed  
#19 Posted : Tuesday, July 02, 2013 7:06:25 AM(UTC)
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Same logic as 20 of 'em at the bottom of a lake, chained together... A good start...
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Offline Gravelier  
#20 Posted : Tuesday, July 02, 2013 3:53:02 PM(UTC)
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A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case
of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, they carry on shopping.

A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."

That's him on Aisle 5.
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